don’t make out if you’re both gross and around people in a bar (Creemore Springs lager review)

cold water kills tropical fish

i woke up in my long johns last saturday. i don’t know if long johns are okay anymore, fashion wise, but our landlord hadn’t turned the heat on until then. i only complain because i have tropical fish and if it’s too cold they die. lauren sent me a message. it forced me to buy wine. i walked to the boozer and back home.

i felt bad it wasn’t beer but heck i bought a three litre football filled with wine.

we were supposed to go meet some physicists at some bar later in the night. i drank wine without making trouble about not having beer.

eventually, after listening to this this and this, we walked through black alleys sipping stuff. we ended up at a tennis court. it was empty and we danced a little in it. i found a wooden spoon in the grass and kept it. i thought i’d show it to the physicists.

finding physicists in a bar is difficult

we got to the place they were at. i didn’t like it. it looked like the picture below but instead of cars and blue sky, picture bros and dark sky. lauren kept saying, “i really gotta poo.” i felt embarrassed. i had a wooden spoon sticking out of my coat and lauren talked about poo. they carded us and let us in. i couldn’t believe my physicist friend would hang out here.

it was a maze and i kept boning people with my elbows and we were lost. lauren went to poo. i stood outside the bathroom knocking my knuckles together. i tried calling my physicist friend but he wouldn’t pick up.

he sent me a message. it said, ‘hey call me when you get here. this place is a maze’.

i tried calling again to no answer.

i get nervous in public places standing alone

lauren came out of the bathroom. we walked around the connected victorian houses. i ordered a couple of beers from the bar. they poured one. they poured the second and stopped halfway.

“uh, the beer’s run out. you want another one?”


beers from blue taps

i pointed to a blue handled tap and he poured me something i didn’t really want. i didn’t know what it was either but it seemed better than labatt 50. i walked around and found my physicist friend. he introduced me to his other physicist friends and we talked about space jam and william burroughs.

i thought oh man this is a pretty sweet beer. i can’t remember the smell because there were men around our seats by the window and i can’t remember the colour accurately because bars tend to be dimly lit (or that’s just my head).

it looked amber and had no head. i yelled ‘EW’ at two people making out at a booth across from us. this wasn’t very good reviewing environment but it’s all i had this week. i swirled it around to

i) possible spill on someone

ii) agitate the thing

this made the unknown beer bubble. i sipped it and it tasted better. it was smooth and didn’t feel like drinking hard water. it was lightly hopped but tangy. i can’t describe the taste much further than that because i took a break from the beer. when i came back to it, it had gone warm and held too much flavour. i downed the fruit show down and got another.

i found out what it was called

the barkeep told me it was creemore. i realized i had never drank creemore before. sitting here now i feel lacking. how could i have never had creemore before? shameful. i hadn’t drank creemore before but i’m glad i did. it’s great if you’re out meeting physicists at a victorian house turned into a bar where people make out in booths and everyone’s got three layers of face on and all the other beers are either molson or run out while they’re pouring your pint.

it’s not the typical borefest lager. it’s very amber and rewarding. plug some into your mouth sometime soon.


sticking a stein with your beer helps sales (Paulaner M√ľnchen Oktoberfest Bier)

i’m up all night

today was my first day off in four days. it sucks having to work overnight but heck what can you do, right. bla bla bla bad economy bla bla bla not having any relevant skills and a bad resume.

i searched desperately for things people do on their weekend and found one example.

this fella sits on a batcouch wearing a latex mask with his daughter (i assume). he should feel terrible about himself because everyone knows batman and catwoman (what his daughter, again i assume, is dressed up as) have the hots for each other. i mean they’ve kissed like ten time in the comics. gross dad alert.

i decided to try a new beer instead of pulling a Humbert Humbert. i took a stroll to the nearest boozer.

i bought a lager. it came with a stein.

i was at the lcbo, the one on dundas/spadina with the crazy old piss smelling men outside, deciding on what new beer to try. i picked up a scottish ale thinking ‘oh yeah’. i’ll like this. sounds like it’s


-an ale


that couldn’t be bad. i walked around with the cans of that and felt content until i walked past a limited edition of something called ‘Paulaner Munchen Oktoberfest Bier‘. (on their website, go past the first page and there’s a funny animated lady. i couldn’t understand anything after that so i left.)

this is what it looked like and why i just had to have the deal (thanks for the picture

it’s a litre can of beer. it’s an oktoberfest beer stein with a 1L can of lager inside. just look at the picture. i wanted to pull a homer simpson. i put back the Scottish ale (sorry Arab Strap) and picked up this hulking $13.45 thing because of the glass thing. i couldn’t say no because i have a thing for complimentary/limited edition glasses (i blame my dad and his stupid collection of juice glasses that came with V8 vegetable juice in the nineties).

what i know of oktoberfest

oktoberfest, from my understanding based off pop. media, is a festival that has run for two hundred years and now features pale lager and scantily clad hoes. They serve 17 million litres of beer to people over two weeks, so i’ve got no problems with it. i just want sausages now. here’s a picture i found showing what allegedly happens in munich.

look, a hoe. i myself worry about male pattern baldness but I have no idea how she deals with it. if you know how i can contact her to ask her please let me know. does munich beer head taste good? i like it when i’ve a lot of head on a stout but i don’t know about these lager heads. anyways.

once a bartender came into my work and complained about all the slutty stuff she had to wear on the job. i wonder if all people feel this way. there should be some universal task force that prevents unwilling slut-iness in the workplace.


i dislike lager. i think it’s boring and i think the golden colour it shares with made-from concentrate-apple-juice is no incidental fact but a weirdly logical metaphor (if that’s possible). it looks like the pee because it tastes like not much. i just couldn’t refuse this lager because of the package.

i cracked open the can. it did not smell good. i like beer to smell like fruits and coffee and stuff. i thought, here we go, a beer molson canadian modeled itself after. after a sip from the giant glass i found myself corrected. this lager had none of the issues with north american lager. it’s like the water they made this from hadn’t gone through the city of toronto water services percolators (the machines that turn toilet water into drinkable water, ya boo). the hops had me thinking of how farming might have been 200 years ago, clean, and the finish was so clean i didn’t make a face.

the thing that came most to mind was pears. do you like pears? they’re subtle. compare pears to peaches in your head. they’re different, right? this beer’s a pear.

so there. go get it. it’s pricey for 1L of beer but you get a fucking glass thing to drink it out of. the mug weighs so much it hurt my wrists. i guess this is where being a german hulk would help out. by the end of the one can you’ll be tipsy (if you weight 150lbs).

i meant to ask this the entire time but was too distracted by the large women on the can design. what’s your favourite kind of brew? i swear i won’t hold it against you.

etc etc,