i had to break into my own apartment (big rock ipa review)

i share my apartment with lauren. she lost her key because her key was in her wallet and her wallet was in her bike basket thing and her bike was moving fast over a bump and the combination of all these things together made her lose her key because her key was in her wallet and her wallet was in her bike basket.

i let her borrow my key and then she left my key on a shelf in the apartment and i left home without my key and only realized when i returned that i’d locked myself out without a key. and i’m a university graduate! go brains.

so i had to tear a hole in the mesh and slide a window open and fit my butt through the window while doing a lateral handstand so i didn’t break my glasses. point in case: it’s easy to break in your house (even i can do it. you can too! try it today) but you look insane but also funny.

for all this trouble, i got to open a bottle of beer that looks like a christmas candy or a chocolate orange or a birthday letter if your friend has tactile issues.

i liked the wrapping around the cap for a second before realizing i wasn’t holding chocolate and wrapping delays consumption. the wrapping did encourage not taking in from the bottle. it’s like a force to pour. whatever your intentions, big rock, you’ve succeeded at making an uncomfortable lip.

did i mention the cool rooster on the bottle? please contact me if you know of any other beers with neat roosters built into the brew.

this is what the label reads.

as you can see the beer is from calgary and pairs wonderfully with the dust of a warm prairie evening. unfortunately, i’ve never been to the prairies nor have i tried warm dust so i paired it with nothing.

bouquet: not much. smells unremarkable. slightly alcoholic overtone. keep in mind, breaking into my apartment might have done some damage to my nose.

colour: real pretty like. i could see through the brew and the body matched the colour well.

taste: all around decent. there’s a good level of hopping going on. it’s not like having a warhead but it’s not like drinking milk. if halfway was a beer, this is it. it’s much better cool rather than chilled. don’t leave this in your fridge too long. when cold, it has a tendency to mask its sweeter tastes. warming up the brew opens up the malt. this goes much better with the level of hopping.

grab this if you want to have a lot of ale all at once. it’s $15 for a six pack so, you know, if you think molson export ale isn’t good enough for you go spend money on this.

hope you haven’t misplaced your keys or anything.

see ya soon.


grand theft auto trailer (celt bronze ale review)

i grow old next week

today is wednesday november the second. it’s seven days before my birthday. i’m going to be twenty two. i wish someone would gift me a big bag of all kinds of beer and i would share it with them and we’d both get boozed and then we’d hug and make a frozen pizza and talk about our dads and how lucky we are to be friends. be that person. be my pal.

violence returns to the television

as a sneak birthday present, rockstar games released this trailer of grand theft auto five. boy was i excited. my whole grade seven, i spent¬† it shooting hookers with a gun in grand theft auto three. i didn’t get the satire and all that brainy stuff when i was younger and fatter. i get it now. so i got the trailer for this new thing. have you seen it yet? go watch it. you’re going to have to read newspaper articles about moms and stuff misunderstanding everything when the game comes out, so enjoy yourself right now.

the only place you can drink and drive

i can’t wait to down beer and whiskey in the game and safely drunk drive (because it’s in a video game, ya madd. it’s okay but maybe not for kids because they’ll think all the wrong things) they better not bring back the calories meter. i hate that i have to look after my calories in life enough. i don’t want it in a video game.

welsh ale

anyways. so to celebrate i went to the lcbo. i didn’t have my bike so i walked to the lcbo from hart house. it was cold. i walked past popeyes and resisted the $3.49 chicken sandwich surprise. i was surprised by the lack of crazy people outside. i went in and thought about which beer to buy. i debated some fancy nine grain stout or this welsh ale. i get paid on thursday, i’m in $100 overdraft and so i thought i’d get the cheaper ale.

i checked out with the Celt bronze ale and a bottle of spiced rum (remember it’s my birthday next week? precelebration). i walked home and nobody was home so i ate a lot of pringles in secret.

taste test

i had some rum before the beer to sooth my nerves. i popped open the cap. i sniffed the bottle. i couldn’t smell much because the bottle opening was only half an inch apart.

why don’t beer makers have bigger bottle spouts? people would appreciate smells more if the spouts were bigger. physicists have found that surface area and smell are positively correlated. yay. i don’t think a lot of people pour beers at home. they drink them out of the bottle. if coors lite can market an easy drinking pop tab then someone should market wide mouthed bottles.

i sniffed this thing a lot because i liked the subtle smell. you know how concentrated air wick smells pungent and like an old woman’s panties? this beer doesn’t smell anything like that. words to describe the smell:


-burnt sugar

-bits of ethanol.

i was surprised by the lack of fruit in the smell, however. i had an ontario beer earlier today, which will remain unnamed, and it had more fruit in it that this welsh ale. times are a changin’. ontario craft brewers smell more welsh than the welsh (have i said welsh enough?)

the taste disappoints. this is a heavily drinkable ale. the label calls it full bodied but it’s pretty light (come on, the welsh). it does have the ‘rich bronze colour’ as described. i have no idea what “crystal maltiness” means but i’ll go ahead and say the beer is moderately sweet. i expected less sweet and more hop outta this thing. at least they got some kind of balance right. i guess they delegated the label writing to the wrong guy.

my friend’s listening to bonnie prince billy now and it’s fucking sad so i don’t know anymore. how does will oldham manage this? effortless.

back to beer

it’s brewed in caerphilly, wales. the label says “bracis curmi” (malted beer) traces back to the ancient Celtic language of proto-celtic, an age where celts were some of the first beer producers in europe. i don’t know why this is important on labelling. i suppose it appeals to the inner old man in me.

what i did like about the packaging is the european manner of labelling bottles. they have the units of alcohol labelled on the back. this is good for pregnant ladies and alcoholics, both. this particular 500ml bottle was 2.3 UK units of alcohol. the bottle also reads 2.1 a day is healthy for males. why isn’t our culture like this? comeone canada.

what’s your favourite kind of packaging? or do you hate advertising? leave a comment.

see you soon. have a happy thursday.



how to breathe (St. Peter’s English Ale, product of United Kingdom)

the returns

today i was at the beer store returning some of my old empty cans of pbr. thanks friends (D/T) ¬† for leaving your cans over. i got a $7.50 discount on my purchases today. i’ve never been more thankful.

i was loading my cans in the little brown cases at the beer store when a crack lady approached me and gave me an extra two cases. have you ever had any encounters with crack ladies? i was terrified of them until today. they look like this.

nice hair, girl. don’t look so scared.

genteel old ladies

they have shopping carts and they fill up the shopping carts with beer/wine/liquor bottles from restaurants and houses and bars. a crack lady comes to the bar below my apartment every night. she makes the noises a raccoon makes. how the fuck does that not terrify you. plus they have supermodel collarbones which is scary by default.

anyways. i am no longer afraid of them because this crack lady at the beer store offered me cardboard cases, smiled at me and smiled at the ten dollar bill the beer store guy gave her. the pursuit of joy applies to old ladies as much as me.


i got my hands (paws? i’ve had bad blood pressure recently) on a bottle of St. Peter’s English Ale. the bottle looked green and was labeled with stickers. the bottle’s shaped like an elongated uterus. here’s a picture.

i finally have my camera back. i will take pictures of the things i drink from now on. meet lauren. she has hands and wears grandma clothes.

i liked the little bird with the key in his gut on the label. what a great mascot. fuck you tony the tiger. this bird’s better than you’ll ever be.

the reverse side of the bottle goes on and on and on and on and on about how organic the beer is (yes beer can be organic, as mill st. has demonstrated locally). there was a picture of a house on the back. who draws houses growing past five?(unless you’re an artist). i learned it wasn’t just a house but some hip stone place. the beer’s made with water from a secret well under the monastery. that, to me, is a good thing. i wish i had the job of pulling water out of their secret well.

this building is why molson will never be cool.

their description

the label describes the taste as wholesome and delicate.


their label is another way of calling the beer mid-high hoppy and delicious. it smells like a good ale should. it retained head well (i really like head in beer). when you take the first sip, all you get is hop and malted sugar. as the beer warms up outside the fridge, you get richer flavours. there’s more bitter, more sweet and even grass. i’ve read about grass coming out in beer, but i’d never tasted it before st. peter’s ale. thanks for that, pete. i also thank pete for making a brew that hangs out above your tongue rather than on your tongue and for mixing grassy fresh with caramel bursts.

it’s got this alluring amber copper colour disrupted by fizz floating to the top of the beer. whoever is responsible for the colour, you go guy/gal.

how to breathe and taste better

i feel sure that there’s a book out there by the title, “breathing better” but this isn’t that kind of self help. i find, when i introduce people to subtle beers, people miss a lot of the flavours holed up in drinks and food. i want you to taste better and breathing better is the biggest part of tasting better.

have you ever plugged your nose while eating/drinking? i’m sure you’ve had a cold, which is the same effect. you miss so much taste. you can taste more if you actively breathe out while eating/drinking. especially if you swirl some air into your mouth when you ingest.

try it this way. take a gulp of beer. take some air with it. swirl the beer in your mouth. you’ll get bitter/sweet/salt/whatever. when you breathe you’ll get all the delicate stuff. the grass and the malt. if you have a bad sense of smell, that sucks. i have a less than average sense of smell and routinely think i’ve gotten away with farting when i haven’t.

do they do nose implants? surely that’s better than boob implants.

here’s a beer tasting guide by some other humans.

what’s the worst nose related injury you’ve had? leave a comment. see you soon pals.