it’s my birthday

and i feel really old. this time last year i could legally drink in the america. today i can drink legally i think just about everywhere. anyways. do you like the national? i’m forcing that band on everyone all of tonight as long as i stay conscious.

last week i wrote about you can be my pal if you get a bag of beer. well, my room mate got me a bag of beer but he’s got class til later, much later, and he’s been up for two days so that’s out. i’ll grab him on the weekend. he likes frog eyes.

this is what i can’t have tonight.

hope you are well and getting along with the world.




grand theft auto trailer (celt bronze ale review)

i grow old next week

today is wednesday november the second. it’s seven days before my birthday. i’m going to be twenty two. i wish someone would gift me a big bag of all kinds of beer and i would share it with them and we’d both get boozed and then we’d hug and make a frozen pizza and talk about our dads and how lucky we are to be friends. be that person. be my pal.

violence returns to the television

as a sneak birthday present, rockstar games released this trailer of grand theft auto five. boy was i excited. my whole grade seven, i spent  it shooting hookers with a gun in grand theft auto three. i didn’t get the satire and all that brainy stuff when i was younger and fatter. i get it now. so i got the trailer for this new thing. have you seen it yet? go watch it. you’re going to have to read newspaper articles about moms and stuff misunderstanding everything when the game comes out, so enjoy yourself right now.

the only place you can drink and drive

i can’t wait to down beer and whiskey in the game and safely drunk drive (because it’s in a video game, ya madd. it’s okay but maybe not for kids because they’ll think all the wrong things) they better not bring back the calories meter. i hate that i have to look after my calories in life enough. i don’t want it in a video game.

welsh ale

anyways. so to celebrate i went to the lcbo. i didn’t have my bike so i walked to the lcbo from hart house. it was cold. i walked past popeyes and resisted the $3.49 chicken sandwich surprise. i was surprised by the lack of crazy people outside. i went in and thought about which beer to buy. i debated some fancy nine grain stout or this welsh ale. i get paid on thursday, i’m in $100 overdraft and so i thought i’d get the cheaper ale.

i checked out with the Celt bronze ale and a bottle of spiced rum (remember it’s my birthday next week? precelebration). i walked home and nobody was home so i ate a lot of pringles in secret.

taste test

i had some rum before the beer to sooth my nerves. i popped open the cap. i sniffed the bottle. i couldn’t smell much because the bottle opening was only half an inch apart.

why don’t beer makers have bigger bottle spouts? people would appreciate smells more if the spouts were bigger. physicists have found that surface area and smell are positively correlated. yay. i don’t think a lot of people pour beers at home. they drink them out of the bottle. if coors lite can market an easy drinking pop tab then someone should market wide mouthed bottles.

i sniffed this thing a lot because i liked the subtle smell. you know how concentrated air wick smells pungent and like an old woman’s panties? this beer doesn’t smell anything like that. words to describe the smell:


-burnt sugar

-bits of ethanol.

i was surprised by the lack of fruit in the smell, however. i had an ontario beer earlier today, which will remain unnamed, and it had more fruit in it that this welsh ale. times are a changin’. ontario craft brewers smell more welsh than the welsh (have i said welsh enough?)

the taste disappoints. this is a heavily drinkable ale. the label calls it full bodied but it’s pretty light (come on, the welsh). it does have the ‘rich bronze colour’ as described. i have no idea what “crystal maltiness” means but i’ll go ahead and say the beer is moderately sweet. i expected less sweet and more hop outta this thing. at least they got some kind of balance right. i guess they delegated the label writing to the wrong guy.

my friend’s listening to bonnie prince billy now and it’s fucking sad so i don’t know anymore. how does will oldham manage this? effortless.

back to beer

it’s brewed in caerphilly, wales. the label says “bracis curmi” (malted beer) traces back to the ancient Celtic language of proto-celtic, an age where celts were some of the first beer producers in europe. i don’t know why this is important on labelling. i suppose it appeals to the inner old man in me.

what i did like about the packaging is the european manner of labelling bottles. they have the units of alcohol labelled on the back. this is good for pregnant ladies and alcoholics, both. this particular 500ml bottle was 2.3 UK units of alcohol. the bottle also reads 2.1 a day is healthy for males. why isn’t our culture like this? comeone canada.

what’s your favourite kind of packaging? or do you hate advertising? leave a comment.

see you soon. have a happy thursday.



don’t make out if you’re both gross and around people in a bar (Creemore Springs lager review)

cold water kills tropical fish

i woke up in my long johns last saturday. i don’t know if long johns are okay anymore, fashion wise, but our landlord hadn’t turned the heat on until then. i only complain because i have tropical fish and if it’s too cold they die. lauren sent me a message. it forced me to buy wine. i walked to the boozer and back home.

i felt bad it wasn’t beer but heck i bought a three litre football filled with wine.

we were supposed to go meet some physicists at some bar later in the night. i drank wine without making trouble about not having beer.

eventually, after listening to this this and this, we walked through black alleys sipping stuff. we ended up at a tennis court. it was empty and we danced a little in it. i found a wooden spoon in the grass and kept it. i thought i’d show it to the physicists.

finding physicists in a bar is difficult

we got to the place they were at. i didn’t like it. it looked like the picture below but instead of cars and blue sky, picture bros and dark sky. lauren kept saying, “i really gotta poo.” i felt embarrassed. i had a wooden spoon sticking out of my coat and lauren talked about poo. they carded us and let us in. i couldn’t believe my physicist friend would hang out here.

it was a maze and i kept boning people with my elbows and we were lost. lauren went to poo. i stood outside the bathroom knocking my knuckles together. i tried calling my physicist friend but he wouldn’t pick up.

he sent me a message. it said, ‘hey call me when you get here. this place is a maze’.

i tried calling again to no answer.

i get nervous in public places standing alone

lauren came out of the bathroom. we walked around the connected victorian houses. i ordered a couple of beers from the bar. they poured one. they poured the second and stopped halfway.

“uh, the beer’s run out. you want another one?”


beers from blue taps

i pointed to a blue handled tap and he poured me something i didn’t really want. i didn’t know what it was either but it seemed better than labatt 50. i walked around and found my physicist friend. he introduced me to his other physicist friends and we talked about space jam and william burroughs.

i thought oh man this is a pretty sweet beer. i can’t remember the smell because there were men around our seats by the window and i can’t remember the colour accurately because bars tend to be dimly lit (or that’s just my head).

it looked amber and had no head. i yelled ‘EW’ at two people making out at a booth across from us. this wasn’t very good reviewing environment but it’s all i had this week. i swirled it around to

i) possible spill on someone

ii) agitate the thing

this made the unknown beer bubble. i sipped it and it tasted better. it was smooth and didn’t feel like drinking hard water. it was lightly hopped but tangy. i can’t describe the taste much further than that because i took a break from the beer. when i came back to it, it had gone warm and held too much flavour. i downed the fruit show down and got another.

i found out what it was called

the barkeep told me it was creemore. i realized i had never drank creemore before. sitting here now i feel lacking. how could i have never had creemore before? shameful. i hadn’t drank creemore before but i’m glad i did. it’s great if you’re out meeting physicists at a victorian house turned into a bar where people make out in booths and everyone’s got three layers of face on and all the other beers are either molson or run out while they’re pouring your pint.

it’s not the typical borefest lager. it’s very amber and rewarding. plug some into your mouth sometime soon.


how to breathe (St. Peter’s English Ale, product of United Kingdom)

the returns

today i was at the beer store returning some of my old empty cans of pbr. thanks friends (D/T)   for leaving your cans over. i got a $7.50 discount on my purchases today. i’ve never been more thankful.

i was loading my cans in the little brown cases at the beer store when a crack lady approached me and gave me an extra two cases. have you ever had any encounters with crack ladies? i was terrified of them until today. they look like this.

nice hair, girl. don’t look so scared.

genteel old ladies

they have shopping carts and they fill up the shopping carts with beer/wine/liquor bottles from restaurants and houses and bars. a crack lady comes to the bar below my apartment every night. she makes the noises a raccoon makes. how the fuck does that not terrify you. plus they have supermodel collarbones which is scary by default.

anyways. i am no longer afraid of them because this crack lady at the beer store offered me cardboard cases, smiled at me and smiled at the ten dollar bill the beer store guy gave her. the pursuit of joy applies to old ladies as much as me.


i got my hands (paws? i’ve had bad blood pressure recently) on a bottle of St. Peter’s English Ale. the bottle looked green and was labeled with stickers. the bottle’s shaped like an elongated uterus. here’s a picture.

i finally have my camera back. i will take pictures of the things i drink from now on. meet lauren. she has hands and wears grandma clothes.

i liked the little bird with the key in his gut on the label. what a great mascot. fuck you tony the tiger. this bird’s better than you’ll ever be.

the reverse side of the bottle goes on and on and on and on and on about how organic the beer is (yes beer can be organic, as mill st. has demonstrated locally). there was a picture of a house on the back. who draws houses growing past five?(unless you’re an artist). i learned it wasn’t just a house but some hip stone place. the beer’s made with water from a secret well under the monastery. that, to me, is a good thing. i wish i had the job of pulling water out of their secret well.

this building is why molson will never be cool.

their description

the label describes the taste as wholesome and delicate.


their label is another way of calling the beer mid-high hoppy and delicious. it smells like a good ale should. it retained head well (i really like head in beer). when you take the first sip, all you get is hop and malted sugar. as the beer warms up outside the fridge, you get richer flavours. there’s more bitter, more sweet and even grass. i’ve read about grass coming out in beer, but i’d never tasted it before st. peter’s ale. thanks for that, pete. i also thank pete for making a brew that hangs out above your tongue rather than on your tongue and for mixing grassy fresh with caramel bursts.

it’s got this alluring amber copper colour disrupted by fizz floating to the top of the beer. whoever is responsible for the colour, you go guy/gal.

how to breathe and taste better

i feel sure that there’s a book out there by the title, “breathing better” but this isn’t that kind of self help. i find, when i introduce people to subtle beers, people miss a lot of the flavours holed up in drinks and food. i want you to taste better and breathing better is the biggest part of tasting better.

have you ever plugged your nose while eating/drinking? i’m sure you’ve had a cold, which is the same effect. you miss so much taste. you can taste more if you actively breathe out while eating/drinking. especially if you swirl some air into your mouth when you ingest.

try it this way. take a gulp of beer. take some air with it. swirl the beer in your mouth. you’ll get bitter/sweet/salt/whatever. when you breathe you’ll get all the delicate stuff. the grass and the malt. if you have a bad sense of smell, that sucks. i have a less than average sense of smell and routinely think i’ve gotten away with farting when i haven’t.

do they do nose implants? surely that’s better than boob implants.

here’s a beer tasting guide by some other humans.

what’s the worst nose related injury you’ve had? leave a comment. see you soon pals.


Give thanks for beer

this is what one instance of a family looked like

please note margot, second from left. (i know i know paltrow is a lemon now but jeez this was ten years ago. a boy can crush)

most dads are not tenenbaums. here’s one such dad.

now, how will you spend a whole fucking weekend with this guy? beer.

baste your turkey in beer, add some porter to your potatoes (they’ll taste better, i swear), make gravy with an ale and screw pie make beer battered apple slices (or fruit of choice).

and keep it away from him lest he stab your sister again.

happy days.



A vodka movie (not by Absolut)

i wish tim and eric would do an advertisement for beer. the worst i’ve seen is dr. brule puke in a bar. i want tim and eric to do something with beer.

if santa were real and i could really have anything and if superman had more powers than x-ray vision and superstrength and flight and stuff, i’d have him make tim and eric do a beer commercial for this beer.

look at that ass.

sticking a stein with your beer helps sales (Paulaner München Oktoberfest Bier)

i’m up all night

today was my first day off in four days. it sucks having to work overnight but heck what can you do, right. bla bla bla bad economy bla bla bla not having any relevant skills and a bad resume.

i searched desperately for things people do on their weekend and found one example.

this fella sits on a batcouch wearing a latex mask with his daughter (i assume). he should feel terrible about himself because everyone knows batman and catwoman (what his daughter, again i assume, is dressed up as) have the hots for each other. i mean they’ve kissed like ten time in the comics. gross dad alert.

i decided to try a new beer instead of pulling a Humbert Humbert. i took a stroll to the nearest boozer.

i bought a lager. it came with a stein.

i was at the lcbo, the one on dundas/spadina with the crazy old piss smelling men outside, deciding on what new beer to try. i picked up a scottish ale thinking ‘oh yeah’. i’ll like this. sounds like it’s


-an ale


that couldn’t be bad. i walked around with the cans of that and felt content until i walked past a limited edition of something called ‘Paulaner Munchen Oktoberfest Bier‘. (on their website, go past the first page and there’s a funny animated lady. i couldn’t understand anything after that so i left.)

this is what it looked like and why i just had to have the deal (thanks for the picture

it’s a litre can of beer. it’s an oktoberfest beer stein with a 1L can of lager inside. just look at the picture. i wanted to pull a homer simpson. i put back the Scottish ale (sorry Arab Strap) and picked up this hulking $13.45 thing because of the glass thing. i couldn’t say no because i have a thing for complimentary/limited edition glasses (i blame my dad and his stupid collection of juice glasses that came with V8 vegetable juice in the nineties).

what i know of oktoberfest

oktoberfest, from my understanding based off pop. media, is a festival that has run for two hundred years and now features pale lager and scantily clad hoes. They serve 17 million litres of beer to people over two weeks, so i’ve got no problems with it. i just want sausages now. here’s a picture i found showing what allegedly happens in munich.

look, a hoe. i myself worry about male pattern baldness but I have no idea how she deals with it. if you know how i can contact her to ask her please let me know. does munich beer head taste good? i like it when i’ve a lot of head on a stout but i don’t know about these lager heads. anyways.

once a bartender came into my work and complained about all the slutty stuff she had to wear on the job. i wonder if all people feel this way. there should be some universal task force that prevents unwilling slut-iness in the workplace.


i dislike lager. i think it’s boring and i think the golden colour it shares with made-from concentrate-apple-juice is no incidental fact but a weirdly logical metaphor (if that’s possible). it looks like the pee because it tastes like not much. i just couldn’t refuse this lager because of the package.

i cracked open the can. it did not smell good. i like beer to smell like fruits and coffee and stuff. i thought, here we go, a beer molson canadian modeled itself after. after a sip from the giant glass i found myself corrected. this lager had none of the issues with north american lager. it’s like the water they made this from hadn’t gone through the city of toronto water services percolators (the machines that turn toilet water into drinkable water, ya boo). the hops had me thinking of how farming might have been 200 years ago, clean, and the finish was so clean i didn’t make a face.

the thing that came most to mind was pears. do you like pears? they’re subtle. compare pears to peaches in your head. they’re different, right? this beer’s a pear.

so there. go get it. it’s pricey for 1L of beer but you get a fucking glass thing to drink it out of. the mug weighs so much it hurt my wrists. i guess this is where being a german hulk would help out. by the end of the one can you’ll be tipsy (if you weight 150lbs).

i meant to ask this the entire time but was too distracted by the large women on the can design. what’s your favourite kind of brew? i swear i won’t hold it against you.

etc etc,


Being adults about it


I worked overnight all weekend and met so many crazy people. my favourite was the drunk guy who yelled ‘CUNT’. he couldn’t really focus his eyes on anything in particular. I didn’t know who it was directed to, so I lost little to no self esteem (yay!).

I wanted to share this comic because it’s relevant and it’s funny and i wish there were a craft beer festival somewhere nearby sometime soon.

courtesy John Campbell. check out his stuff at and


I’m missing Japandroids

due to my incompetence (okay and partly because I was jobless a while ago and couldn’t afford tickets when they went on sale).

if i were in a rock and roll band (japandroids is as RandR as it gets these days) i’d save tickets at the doors for people who’d buy me a drink. i’d need courage to play on stage and this way unorganized/unemployed people could get in.

so now instead of being sweaty and gross, i’m sitting at my dining table sipping some cheap ale. boo-hoo. here’s my favourite japandroids song about being young and stuff.


i don’t like nestea anymore (mill st. lemon tea beer)

californication seems like a slutty show

now then. my roommate is watching some shit show on netflix and a baldman on the tv just said a blog is a continuous narrative. they’re really annoying, the characters, because they use words like ‘contrived’.

but they just made up for it by using ‘motherfucker’ ten times. who wrote this show? i just asked and my roommate said this show is called californication. now you know not watch it (unless you like sluts).

some promotional material for californication. i object.

iced tea in beer guise

i’ve been drinking this beer called mill st. lemon tea beer. it’s a part of the new* movement of beers that are heavily wheat based rather than barley based (screw barley, right? everyone’s been on that recipe for centuries).

*new just at the lcbo. i did some research and wheat beers are ancient stuff in europe. here’s some history featuring a picture of a smiling man.

secret recipe

so they take wheat and they malt it and then they add some malted barley to the mix (to not scare people with alienating beer. some familiarity is nice). they then add in some lemon puree and cane sugar (to neutralize the acid from the lemons) and some earl grey tea (for the tea flavour, ya dingo).


they claim it makes for great beer and today i was at the lcbo and thought heck why not give it a go. i got home and i poured it out into my pint glass i stole from the piston (if you haven’t been to the piston, you have to go. they have wellingtons country dark ale on tap. it’s one of the neatest dark ales around in ontario right now i say). the smell was straight wheat beer with hints of lemon and YEAST. upon gulping and swirling, there is a lot of yeast. if you dislike yeast, avoid this. but please, for the sake of good beer, learn to like yeast. you like sourdough bread, right? same idea.

you’ll notice it’s cloudy in colour (because it’s not filtered, which is a good thing in the organic-natural-everything business model) and fizzy carbonated. a gulp is not too hoppy and kind of really sweet. the lemon builds on your tongue over the course of a pint. anyways. it’s a great beer. go get some. for $2.65 a can it’s a deal.

here’s a picture of a man, wearing a t-shirt, smiling, posing next to the beer i’ve talked about. do you like any wheat beers? see you soon.