i work a shitty job. once when i was a kid, some other kid stuffed sand in my mouth. i walked to my parents. they were disappointed.

This is what I looked like a year and a half ago.

This is what I want to look like in five years.

in depth

1989: dad took hideous pictures of my baby face.

1990: shat in diapers a lot. had chubby limbs and two chins.

1991: fled the gulf war. learned to climb onto couches.

1992: ate shawarma for the first time.

1993: cried on my first day of kindergarten. watched educational programming.

1994: shared my daily bag of chips with a girl at lunch. she always walked away when the bag ran out. watched batman: mask of the phantasm for the first time.

1995: lost my first best friend thanks to visa regulations. called my teacher “mom” all the time.

1996: lost my second best friend because i didn’t have a Nintendo. used pencil sharpeners to whittle down erasers.

1997: watched the world celebrate new years night on cnn live broadcast. forced my whole class to celebrate my birthday. loved the ninja turtles.

1998: fled my dad. had a mcchicken for the first time. drank apple juice in place of water.

1999: dreamed i saved a girl’s life and then she fell in love with me. acted in my first play. experienced social anxiety for the first time. watched batman: mask of the phantasm for the fortieth time.

2000: asked god for an n64 nightly. watched baseball. got eyeglasses.

2001: sat in mrs palumbo’s class when stuff blew up. failed French.

2002: ate at least three junior chicken’s a day. used hair gel for the first time. made out with shower wall because no one else would.

2003: shampooed every morning to impress a girl. parted my hair and started crying.

2004: got beat up. ate tuna sandwiches everyday at school. had a crush on someone who’s name rhymes with banana.

2005: refused listening to anything with vocals. branded class weirdo. ate increasing amounts of powdered donuts daily.

2006: grew out my hair. biked on the road for first time. still had no friends. woman at the driver’s license place laughed at my picture.

2007: dislocated my index finger a day before university started. got my first job. spent all my money on mcdonalds and a guitar. watched batman: mask of the phantasm for the ninetieth time.

2008: had beer for the first time. went on a roadtrip. sang oasis on parliament hill. pretended to like jazz. realized i was no good at conversing.

2009: called Bacardi, told them I was the batman, demanded royalties be paid. danced in nyc on my own. failed a lot of courses. dropped food on my lap on new years eve.

2010: watched the olympics. hurled at 5pm on Canada day. started falling over a lot. had a blue car. decided ms. vickie’s original chips were the supreme snack. turned twenty one. had red wine on my birthday. watched batman: mask of the phantasm with a girl.

2011: got my third shitty job. someone stole my bike. bought tropical fish. rekindled friendships. ground up my teeth. bought a dinosaur hat. started tucking in my shirt. had more than one pair of shoes. started a beer blog.

2 thoughts on “about

    • hey kristen. thanks for laughing at dumb things. my post next week was going to be about visiting byob and buying a brewkit thing. holy coincidences. happy halloween. i’m a dinosaur named deirdre right now.

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