i bought a new computer (stonecutter scotch ale)

i’m fat

hey fatsos. is seasonal affective disorder (SAD) kicking in for you guys yet? i’ve been eating a 170g bag of chips everyday for the past three days. you know what that’s done? i gained six pounds in less than a week. i feel like mariah carey. boobs and flopped singles.

you’ll make a great gammy one day, girl

i had a bad saturday

so last saturday i cried a lot because

a) i drank a lot

b) we didn’t go to some karaoke thing where only the cure songs were played

c) lauren went crazy

d) i drank a lot

e) i didn’t steal useless shit

i bought a computer

as a result of the tears i was very sad the next day. you know when you get sad you buy things? i went on the apple website and bought a computer. i didn’t even have the money. i can’t believe they’re irresponsible enough to let someone like me buy a fancy computer. haha installments. i’m fucked and irresponsible.

lcbo to introduce customer credit program

all this easy to pay over the course of five years stuff got me thinking. the lcbo should have this. booze is the most important thing. if i could have a credit limit at the boozer, let’s say $2000 dollars, and it accrued interest at 1.99% per month, i’d be pretty happy. that would mean i could buy whatever i wanted and pay a minimum of $25 a month. the rest, obviously, would gather interest and by god i’ll have a bed credit rating as long as it’s for booze i shouldn’t have bought in the first place.

someone ought to petition this stuff. i’m too lazy to. but hey, if we joined forces who know what and all that camaraderie.

this would be us. the suits and all. but a banner reading, “give credit for alcohol”

stonecutter scotch ale

stone cutters are cool. they spend hundreds of hours chipping away at stone to make a lasting mark on history. that’s commendable. i guess that’s why this company named themselves ‘renaissance stonecutter’. maybe they think they’re denting beer history. who knows, they might. i picked up the scotch ale because

1. it was a scotch ale

2. it was a strong ale (7.0% abv). i like strong ales.

3. the bottle read the brewery’s address and email on the back.

4. label said this beer is their flagship, feels ‘hearty’, is brewed with ‘nine malts’ and tastes like caramel, toffee, liquorice, chocolate and roasty flavours (whatever that may mean)

5. has the brewmaster’s signature on the label. that’s pride on a serious scale.

here’s a video of me, alone at home, trying to pour the thing.

problems

they claim this ale was best in class 2007. i don’t really care about that. stop bragging about things that happened four years ago. i had my first weird moment at a party four years ago. don’t see me braggin’ bout spilling red on the host’s carpet.

nosing it

smells like a standard ale. nothing special here.

taste

the taste popped my tongue. it’s like having no salt for two months and then having bacon and eggs with salt sprinkled on top. you realize you’ve been missing something. stuff’s good. malty, hoppy, very malty. i can taste the alcohol quite a bit. i like that. i don’t like the strong beers that try to hide the alcohol flavour. embrace it ya kiwis.

i saw dark amber colour. there was little head retention. lotsa lace.

it’s a little bitter. don’t let this thing warm up. it’s too much when warm. too much everything, it overpowers. don’t have this if you’ve skipped dinner. it’ll get you a little boozed. it’s full bodied but not as thick as a stout nor as light as a light ale. they must have a team that just works on balance because they’ve found a nice spot.

why i’m home alone

my roomate is at bruce peninsula and lauren just got home with a piece of cake for me and  she showed me a dress she wants for her birth day and where’s the money money.

anyways.

i love this stuff. it’s like the first time i had tankhouse. i know i’ll want this. the new zealanders have something amazing here. go australasia.

have you ever been to new zealand or had anything from that part of the world?

have a pleasant thursday. i’m off to burger king for a double stacker.

-sufian

4 thoughts on “i bought a new computer (stonecutter scotch ale)

  1. The bolded “I’m fat” with that Mariah Carey pic is comedy gold. I’m reading this while doing asthma drug testing so I’m wheezing in laughter. Great post/review as always. I need to try this beer! Hopefully my shitty local Hamilton LCBO carries it. Cheers.

    • asthma drug testing sounds terrible. tell me you don’t have to get one of those plastic wheel meds dispensers.

      do try it. best thing i’ve had in months. pretty sure you’ll like it. if you don’t find it in hamilton, i can pick one up for you or something friendly like that.

  2. You sound like an alcoholic towards the end, which is fantastic, since you’ve only been able to drink legally for one year. Maybe emphasize that dichotomy.

    I really like how you broke up the article with the different headers. Good luck with the “credit for alcohol” that sounds like a lot of crying, trying to buy something in the morning, not knowing where your wallet is, crying a lot more, and then passing out..

    Enjoyed this post thoroughly.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s